Capture in my memory

Today Sana, who is 5 mo old, laughed and her daddy squished her cheek against his hips as HR kissed her and she would giggle uncontrollably. Chan who is 2 yrs old told her doll (Buzz Lightyear), "try it feety (sweety)" as she helped the doll up the 3 step ladder. Yesterday I took her for blood testing bc I was worried she had type 1 diabetes and I was honest and told her where we were going. To comfort herself she said, " it's o'tay (ok) Buzz". My daughters r the light of my life. Sana is awake and needing to nurse; yay! I love nursing.

My Fear

My sister Habubah's worry when she had her children was that they would die.  My fear as a mommy is that *I* will die.  This worries me because if I die - I don't know it I'm dead - but my children would be profoundly affected by my absence.  So I write.  I've been writing since before I had Chan.

I know my children will one day disappoint me in a profound way and I hope to have some dignity and grace about it.  I will need to remain level headed because the words that will come out of my mouth will contribute or contaminate our relationship.  Words are powerful and I need to ensure they empower my children appropriately.  I don't want to give my children fodder (is that the saying?) with which to torture me.  If for instance I don't like my daughter's friend, I don't want to TELL her that!  When she is pissed at me she's going to go off and hang out with said friend, if she knows I don't like her.  Also, I don't want to inadvertently put negative thoughts into her head.  For example, if your kid is top of her class and maintains a big part of her identity as being a good student, why would one ever say, "so are you still doing this college thing?" just because you don't like her behavior in some other facet of life - WHY did the parent even put that idea in the kid's head!

Laughter & Love

Last weekend our youngest, Sana, learned to belly laugh and I was home to witness this!  I was home to see this happen when Chan our eldest learned to do this.  I was a moment of realizing, I had chosen the correct job of NOT being chained to a job with a pager - whew!

Yesterday, Chan, who is two years old said, "I love you."  Made my month.  And today she read her first book, she would turn the pages and say "SOOO BIG!!" (the title of the book).  It was adorable.

I used to say: if I could hold off having kids until I was 60, I would.  And now I say: motherhood is the best most gratifying thing I have ever done - I love it!

Inspired

My Sister Fruit Femme has inspired me to create a blog.  I am not as well written as she but I hope to use this in place of journaling (which I have done MUCH less of since the beginning of motherhood).

My list of worries ideally is to be limited to no more than three things.  This advice I take from my Sister KC5.

The list currently,
1)  My husband, Unicorn, and I would like to do a better job of communicating so we have joined a couples group that is meeting every other Friday.  This topic is a huge one.
2)  Unicorn and I are actively interested in getting home cooked food on the table now that we have a toddler and a 3 month old.  I am thinking of getting a crock pot and trying the recipes on this site:  http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2008/05/crockpot-fried-rice-recipe.html
3)  We are in the process of a year-long endeavor to find a house.

I woke early today (you know when you wake up before the rest of the household) and could have gone for a run but then I could not have created this.  Working out is NOT on the list because again on the advice of KC5, "Maybe you just need to not even think about working out for a year after the baby because the stress of even trying to find the time might be too much"  Such a smart womyn!  So for now running or working out is NOT on the list - so freeing :D