Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Fear

My sister Habubah's worry when she had her children was that they would die.  My fear as a mommy is that *I* will die.  This worries me because if I die - I don't know it I'm dead - but my children would be profoundly affected by my absence.  So I write.  I've been writing since before I had Chan.

I know my children will one day disappoint me in a profound way and I hope to have some dignity and grace about it.  I will need to remain level headed because the words that will come out of my mouth will contribute or contaminate our relationship.  Words are powerful and I need to ensure they empower my children appropriately.  I don't want to give my children fodder (is that the saying?) with which to torture me.  If for instance I don't like my daughter's friend, I don't want to TELL her that!  When she is pissed at me she's going to go off and hang out with said friend, if she knows I don't like her.  Also, I don't want to inadvertently put negative thoughts into her head.  For example, if your kid is top of her class and maintains a big part of her identity as being a good student, why would one ever say, "so are you still doing this college thing?" just because you don't like her behavior in some other facet of life - WHY did the parent even put that idea in the kid's head!

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