My Fear

My sister Habubah's worry when she had her children was that they would die.  My fear as a mommy is that *I* will die.  This worries me because if I die - I don't know it I'm dead - but my children would be profoundly affected by my absence.  So I write.  I've been writing since before I had Chan.

I know my children will one day disappoint me in a profound way and I hope to have some dignity and grace about it.  I will need to remain level headed because the words that will come out of my mouth will contribute or contaminate our relationship.  Words are powerful and I need to ensure they empower my children appropriately.  I don't want to give my children fodder (is that the saying?) with which to torture me.  If for instance I don't like my daughter's friend, I don't want to TELL her that!  When she is pissed at me she's going to go off and hang out with said friend, if she knows I don't like her.  Also, I don't want to inadvertently put negative thoughts into her head.  For example, if your kid is top of her class and maintains a big part of her identity as being a good student, why would one ever say, "so are you still doing this college thing?" just because you don't like her behavior in some other facet of life - WHY did the parent even put that idea in the kid's head!

Laughter & Love

Last weekend our youngest, Sana, learned to belly laugh and I was home to witness this!  I was home to see this happen when Chan our eldest learned to do this.  I was a moment of realizing, I had chosen the correct job of NOT being chained to a job with a pager - whew!

Yesterday, Chan, who is two years old said, "I love you."  Made my month.  And today she read her first book, she would turn the pages and say "SOOO BIG!!" (the title of the book).  It was adorable.

I used to say: if I could hold off having kids until I was 60, I would.  And now I say: motherhood is the best most gratifying thing I have ever done - I love it!